OUTLOOK 09′– LET’S GET IT STARTING

A look at the starting pitchers of the 2009 Boston Red Sox and their projected 2009 season outlooks.

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JOSH BECKETT

Pictured here with his new personal trainer at a Sarah Palin fundraiser, Josh Beckett’s Red Sox legacy lies in the balance with the upcoming season. He has had moments of greatness and moments of mediocrity. He feels ready to impress with the 2009 campaign.

“I wanna pitch the (expletive) out of the ball. Do good, you know?  Pitch awesome.” Josh spent the off season shooting guns off the side of tractors at ‘mostly whatever moved’ and working on his slider.

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JON LESTER

“Jon Lester aint going nowhere!”

“How can they keep a guy who throws 86 mph right down the pike?”

“Jon Lester is overrated and will never materialize.”

Above are the words of myself and my friend and baseball connoisseur Mike as we analyzed Jon Lester as he was breaking into the majors in 2006. Damn good thing we were not the GM at any given time. For the record, we also would have canned Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkillis due to their certain mediocrity.

Regardless, Jon Lester is a solid pitcher and if the Sox are successful this season he will need to win 15-20 games.

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DICE-K

As we gather from the photo above Dice-K is adjusting smoothly to life in Massachusetts. As for pitching he says he loves making pitches–many, many many pitches and he loves doing so before the sixth inning.

Through an interpreter Dice- K explains: “I want to work on lowering my pitch count because they told me that I don’t actually get paid by the pitch like in Japan. Apparently, they give me a ‘salary’. Weird American customs.”

Hopefully, that will be inspiration for him to experience pitching in a seventh inning.

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BRAD PENNY

Pictured above at the Kid Rock Wannabe Contest, Brad Penny is ready to pitch. Fresh off should surgery, and a summer of lounging in the Playboy mansion sipping White Russians and thumbing through Vanity Fair magazines, he says he feels ready to go for the 2009 season.

“Hef talked to me this winter and told me I need to feel sexy when I pitch and that I would do better. He said I didn’t look or feel sexy enough pitching for the Dodgers and that was the key to my downfall. But I got a lot of sun down in F-L-A so I look and feel good now.” There were no further questions asked in the interview.

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TIM WAKEFIELD

Like a proverbial broken record, Timmy Wakefield is back. Same knuckleball, same hometown discount, same camouflage, and most likely same 12-12 type record with heaps of innings pitches. As much as people groan about Wake’s inconsistency, having a 10-12 win fifth starter isn’t all that bad.

“Dang right.” said Wakefiled, upon being asked if he is ready to pitch this year.

Says Wakefield, “I always remember what (country singer) Toby Keith told me one time, ‘Wake get on out there an’ kick some ass. Pretend them other batters is terrorists, man.'” The whole AL is a bunch of terrorists Timmy. Go git’m.

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JOHN SMOLTZ

Smoltz (pictured above) gives pitching advice to Brad Penny. He also tells him to ‘stop being a little bitch and work harder.’ The Smoltz signing was designed to bolster the team’s pitching depth this season. Until he gets going in earnest, he is more than valuable offering advice and wisdom, speaking about his early days back during the Carter administration.

“I want to get the ball rolling.” he says. “i’m sick of schooling these 23 year old punk-asses in conditioning drills. Time to pitch.”

RANDOM NOTES FROM THE SUPPORTING CAST

CLAY BUCHOLTZ

Clay is looking forward to possibly moving up this season and having a chance to avenge last year’s struggles. “i can’t wait to get out of this (expletive)-hole called Pawtucket.” he says. “What I really need to do is throw more of those no hitters I used to throw. Those were awesome”

DANIEL BARD

Says Terry Francona, “Kid throws friggin’ hard. Kinda surprised that he has never seen ‘The Notebook’, though. But he’s young still.”

JUSTIN MASTERSON

We might see Justin in some spot starts or when a team jumps out to an early 7-0 second inning lead (when Wake’s knuckle doesn’t work or on Brad-Penny-hangover-starts).


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